“My Father's Heritage” with Matt Garff

Matt Garff is a father, husband and business leader. He is an owner in the Ken Garff Automotive Group. They are the 8th largest auto dealer in the nation. From his start working in a family business to becoming an owner, Matt Garff was able to spend a lot of time with his father Robert H. Garff. His father recently passed away. During this episode, Matt touches on what impact his father had on him and how he is passing those values on to his children. Matt's father prepared a book of quotes and sayings that defined his legacy and his life to be shared when he passed. Some of the lessons are included below as show notes. 

"It never hurts to compliment a woman."-Robert Garff
"You're a gentleman and a scholar and there aren't many of us left." Robert Garff
"The reward of a thing wll done is to have done it."
"What we call results are beginnings."
What lies behind us, and what lies before us are but tiny matters compared to what lies within us." Ralph Waldo Emerson
"There is no chance, no destiny, no fate, that can hinder or control the firm resolve of a determined soul." Ella WIlcox

"To your father should be as a god,
One that composed your beauties, yea, and one
To whom you are but as a form of wax,
By him imprinted and within his power
To leave the figure or disfigure it"
-Shakespeare  -- 

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Transcript

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Kirk Chugg: 0:05

Hi, I'm Kirk Chugg.

Cory Moore: 0:06

And I'm Cory Moore.

Kirk Chugg: 0:07

We are the Gentlemen Project Podcast. We help you turn the time you have with your kids into time well spent.

Cory Moore: 0:13

Yep. Kirk and I talked a lot about how to be better dads and to raise gentlemen. And we realize that more people wanted to be inspired and talk about that. And thus this Gentlemen Project Podcast.

Kirk Chugg: 0:24

We had lots of conversations with each other and with our friends. And what we decided to do was to record some of these conversations and bring them to you in a podcast we hope you enjoy. Today on the podcast, Cory, we have Matt Garff. He is an owner of the Ken Garff Automotive Group. They're the eighth largest Auto Group in the US.

Cory Moore: 0:45

He's also quite the family man, and has done a lot of different business ventures and has balanced family and business. Really great stuff here.

Kirk Chugg: 1:00

Matt, welcome to the podcast.

Matt Garff: 1:02

Oh, thanks for having me. Appreciate it.

Kirk Chugg: 1:04

He's been a friend of the Gentlemen Project. So we appreciate the support and the feedback that we've gotten from him. Matt is an amazing guy in our community. He's an owner of Ken Garff Automotive Group. And they are the eighth largest Automotive Group in the country. Right, right. Yeah. And you guys have just about every brand under the umbrella, right?

Matt Garff: 1:27

It's almost easier say, well, we don't sell.

Kirk Chugg: 1:31

Go ahead. BMW and Lexus, BMW and Lexus. About to change that would Lexus here pretty soon. Well, well, you're a car guy, right? Your grandfather was Ken Garff.

Matt Garff: 1:42

Correct.

Kirk Chugg: 1:43

So the Ken garff Automotive Group, this is a family business.

Matt Garff: 1:47

Yeah. You want the whole story real quick? Sure. Absolutely. Yeah. Ken Garff, when I say whole story, maybe just a summarized, abridged version, so to speak. Ken Garff was my grandfather, he had two sons and a daughter. When I was on my mission. My dad bought out his siblings in the, in the automotive business. And in 2012, my brother and I bought out our siblings. So that it's, my brother and I are the two main partners, we have one other partner in the company. But that's that's the quick skinny of the company.

Kirk Chugg: 2:22

Wow. So family business. Tell us a little bit about being in a family business. Have you guys had any challenges? I mean, yes, family businesses always is always difficult. But as you've gone multi generational, what challenges or what lessons have you learned about being in business with family?

Matt Garff: 2:45

Well, yeah, family businesses is a is a difficult thing It feels like is the easy path to take. Because it's right there in front of you. But yet at the same time, it's hard because there's there is not just a business decision, it's emotional family decision. And sometimes you're carrying emotions from 30 years ago from something my brother did, you know, when I was a kid, so and that has nothing to do with business today. And when you normally go into work, and you're not in a family environment, you don't have to worry about any of that baggage that you bring along. So going into a family business is tough. It's tough. You have to figure out how to put your emotions aside and your egos aside to figure out what's the best thing for the company. So it's not easy.

Cory Moore: 3:31

So you grew up working with your father, and your brother. Alright, are there some things that you guys often talked about together about, you know, things that are, you know, purpose of life type of things, or lessons of life type of things that helped you at home and in business?

Matt Garff: 3:51

Yeah, my dad, being around my dad, it was awesome. Because he, he talked about how he kind of started his career, and how he just loved going to work. And he was See, he would see as his dad every day. And so they would go into lunch all the time. And so as as now I'm going to work and my dad is taking me and my brother to lunch all the time. He's He's reiterating, hey, this is my favorite part of the day. This is my favorite. This is why I come into work. He didn't need to work anymore. In the winter, he would go down to Palm Springs and stay he had a home down there and that's where he would stay. But as soon as he came back, he was in the office. And of course, we can always give him more things to do as many things that he wanted to do. But with that said, as he he just wanted to come into work and go to lunch, it. He was one of the most genuine man I've ever. I grant granted, I'm a bias son, but he literally he he had a way of being truly genuine with people that just put them back on their heels because they're not expecting that out of him. I mean, just as an example, I'd be in a meeting in my office, and he'd come knock on the door and come in, and just pause the meeting to come give me a hug in front of strangers, and like, he just didn't even care who was there or whatever it was just, Hey, I'm just as awesome. I'm just coming to give my son a hug. Hey, love, you all. See you later. I mean, he had he had kind of this this token thing that he did, it was kind of saying my heart to your heart sort of speak, he pound his chest with his fist. And then point to you, you know, so it was kind of like this message of gotcha, I'm, I'm here for you, I love you. And he just do that with people. He was he was around, he was one of again, one of the most genuine people i've i've ever witnessed in action.

Kirk Chugg: 5:49

So Matt, for our listeners that don't know he personally, and that might not have lived in the state. Tell us a little bit about the past year in your family. And what happened with your dad?

Matt Garff: 6:09

Well, I mean, 2020 is, has been quite the killer year here. And no pun intended. COVID head, and my dad was down in Palm Springs, and he was down there with with a cousin actually. And they were just enjoying being together, they were eating off of each other's play. So on, they both came down with COVID. And they both actually end up dying of it. My dad's cousin, he was the first he was the first man in the hospital that he was staying at, in, in California, they had COVID, the very first and my dad was the was the third person in the state of Utah to die from it. So it hit us hard. As we, you know, he, the day before any of his symptoms head, he was still out, you've gone on a 30 mile bike ride, you played 18 holes of golf, he was still I mean, there was nothing really physically holding him back from just enjoying life, and had bad knees. You know, and, but and that was kind of holding him back. But there's other than that, and he was still you still pursuing life. And, and so when he came down with COVID, he and my mom came down with COVID, they immediately drove home, they didn't know that they had it yet. But they had they were showing showing symptoms, they went drove home immediately got tested went straight into quarantine. And, and we just we didn't get to see him again. You know, when when he came when he came down with it, again, we didn't get to see him, we talked a little bit on the phone and he was progressively got a little bit worse. But and again, I don't know if many people kind of know the cycle of COVID. But it lasts about two weeks. And about two weeks, you're kind of past it. But for a lot of people it still is I mean, it just kicks their butts, their energy levels down to nothing. And my dad was on day 11. And, and that's when it dropped into his lungs. So if it's the sore throat, that is the dangerous part of COVID. Where the mucus, if it drops into your lungs, that's what fosters the pneumonia. And pneumonia leads to, you know, basically lung failure. And that's what leads to people needing to be on the ventilators. And it wasn't until day 11 that it dropped into his lungs. So we were kind of all thinking that he was past it, he was starting to get better, you know, getting to the end of it. And and that's when it hit him. And within within four days of being in the hospital, he passed away. So sorry, it's kind of hard talking about your dad that way. But But yeah, at that point, it's just it was just tough. And you couldn't go to the hospital, and my mom had COVID we couldn't even be there to get my mom out. It was a hard time

Cory Moore: 9:09

That would be brutal. Let's talk a little bit more about your dad. Because since we're talking about that now, when you look back now, and I'm sure you've done a lot of reflecting when you look back now, what are some of the things that your dad taught you, or lessons he taught you that you cherish? And that you are trying to pass to your kids?

Matt Garff: 9:35

Being around him? it I just I just couldn't soak up enough. It was interesting is you know, here, we have dealerships in six different states. And as we pull all the general managers together, you know, of course we're going through operations and we bring in inspirational speakers and so on to be able to talk to them and talk to them all. But it was it was so cool. Why should My dad as he would talk to them, because it was like you could hear a pin drop, everyone was just hanging on every single word because he had a way of teaching truth. Didn't matter what religion you were. It didn't matter. He wasn't bringing religion into it, he was just talking truth. Truth is truth. And because he was talking in a way that people could could hear, they just hung and clung on every word. And that's just how I was just another example I, you can go through example, after example, but my wife's brother was getting married. He works in our in one of our dealerships, he met his wife, she was a receptionist at one of the dealerships. They've had a great marriage and have some great kids and so on. But as they were getting married, they went to the wedding dinner, my parents came to the wedding dinner. And again, it's it's my wife's family. It's not, it's not the Garff family. It's my wife's family and, and the bride, her father wasn't there. yet, at the same time, we're going around the room in the at the wedding dinner, and everyone's introducing themselves. And they're all like saying some cute fun things about, you know, the bride or the groom. But my dad, recognizing, excuse me, you have to kind of take a step back, get my emotions back, but but my dad recognizing the room, recognizing Her father was not there. You know, again, it's the groom that was part of my family part of therefore, part of his family. He recognized in the room, he took a moment talking about her. Well, anyway, the point is, is is he had a way of identifying the need in the room.

Cory Moore: 12:02

Did he talk to you about that at all? Or was it just you saw him in action? You saw the example? He talked to you about how he did that? Right? I mean, you know, was it constantly I, one of my favorite books is the greatest salesman in the world. And they talk about how I'm going to have love in my heart and everyone I meet, I'm going to show them that there's that love, right? to talk to you about that, or was it just the constant example.

Matt Garff: 12:27

He was just constant. He was constant. He didn't, he didn't really need to talk to you about him. Although With that said, Of course, he did pull me aside many times and said, Man, you really need to work on your patience. You know, if you could just be a little more patient with you know, and of course, anybody in my family, they would laugh at that, because, of course, I need to work on my patience, whether it's my kids or my siblings. Yeah.

Kirk Chugg: 12:50

I don't know that there's any of us that don't need to work on our patience att.

Matt Garff: 12:54

He did have some of those talks with me. But he was he was just awesome example. I, you know, it was the bias on I I wanted to claim to everyone word, he had to say,

Kirk Chugg: 13:07

Well, he had quite the list of accomplishments, like he was speaker of the house. He was an auto exec. He was in church leadership. But of all of those things, Matt, it sounds like he took his job as a father very, very seriously.

Matt Garff: 13:23

And he was genuinely interested in connecting with people. You go to his into his office, and that's what really kind of would always set people back is he's going to his office, and he had this sense of humility about him. And he just was interested in you. And because he was interested in you, you really felt like he was seeing in your soul is connecting with you. He just he just had that gift. And it was not necessary. It was not a high energy. It was just a soft, genuine, you know, laser. I mean, I can't I can't even think of the way to describe it. It just he had a way of just penetrating.

Kirk Chugg: 14:02

That's quite the quality. That's, that's really cool. So when we invite podcast guests to come on, we send them you know, a list of things to expect and ask for a bio. And you sent something with the bio. And a was the Robert garff family mottos and quotes. Yeah. We've got a family motto in my family. And it's that chug to do hard things. And we have a sign in our house. And we don't shy away from doing stuff. That's hard. And I think that's been great. What were some of the garf family mottos for you growing up? And which one of those models have you taken and are you teaching your kids?

Matt Garff: 14:51

One of those models is garsh never give up. And I can't think of an example of what That really came out, but that was just, gosh, never give up. And you hear a lot of different, I can hear a lot of different phrases that he would use, you know, like, let's play hard. So we could work hard, or, or, and I said that backwards, Let's work hard. So we can play hard. Let's, let's go tackle life, let's go do it. Unless we never give up. Of course, there are other phrases too, like prayer's, the most important part of the day. And, and that's true, that's true. You know, it gives you a chance to no matter how you look at prayer, some people see it as meditation, it's just it's a chance to, you know, calm your soul. And when you start to understand the principles behind it, yeah, prayer is the important part of the day. So there's a lot of those sort of things that my dad was about. You know, I brought a book for you guys, for my dad. And it's kind of fun. You know, the Gentlemen Project is... I love the journals that you can pass messages back and forth to you and your and your kids. And the lessons that you're teaching them and want to want to be left as legacies with him. My my dad, he started compiling quotes, actually, for quite some some of his life. This is actually what I just given you as an abridgment. He, he has a big thick binder that he's made copies for all of us, we call it Bob's Bible. And so anytime we're doing, you know, some sharing some sort of message or talk or speech or whatever it may be, you can just go to it just pull out a whole bunch of content. And so as, as he was going to his friends funerals over the last couple years, his his thought process was, I want more content, I want more teaching. I don't want all this fluffy stuff about me, I don't need all that fluffy stuff about me. Let's make it whatever you guys do, keep it very short, and keep it very, very teachable. And so he started compiling his favorite quotes out of Bob's Bible and, and others. And that's what this book is. He's our family has taken those quotes and put it in into this format. So it's kind of fun to see combined with pictures and scriptures and so on. But, but it's, these are all quotes that my that I've heard my dad share multiple times. As an example, one of those quotes. I can never pronounce the guy's name Goethe.

Kirk Chugg: 17:42

Goethe. Yeah, it's German. Yeah. Good.

Matt Garff: 17:47

There you go. So Goethe. Can I it's kind of like a Brett Favre. I can never

Kirk Chugg: 17:56

Sorry to all you in that area of the neck of the woods, Green Bay.

Matt Garff: 18:01

Yeah, yes. But one of the quotes from Goethe to is, whatever, from what, see if I can remember "From what your heritage is lent, earn it a new to really possess it". And, you know, I, because I've heard him use that quote. So many times, it resonated with me so many different ways. It doesn't matter where you come from, it doesn't matter what your inheritance was, it doesn't matter what what your parents set you up with, or what they've given you, whatever it is that you have, possess it, earn it. Just because it's given to you doesn't mean that you possess it. And so it's up to you to really take hold of it, and grasp it and make it into something better making into who you are. And whether that's a, the principles that we're talking about, or whether that is money or whether that is it doesn't matter. It doesn't matter what it is, it's up to you to really possess it. So

Cory Moore: 19:10

This, this is really cool. Thank you for this kind gift that you've given us. And with permission. I think it'd be great if we shared some of the things in here with the listeners on our on our webpage, if that's okay with you. I think there's some timeless principles in here and some great quotes and so if that'd be okay with you, I think that'd be cool.

Matt Garff: 19:32

No, that's just fine. In fact, that's that's why my family put together this this book of quotes that were my my dad's favorites because it was a way of, of passing on his legacy to others of what was important to him. It's that's exactly what it is. It's a chance for us to ponder on true principles, doesn't again, doesn't matter what religion you are, truth is truth. And so a lot of these people quotes are coming from a lot of famous philosophers. And as you read the quotes, it gives you a chance to reflect on it yourself. He's not preaching to you what message you need to take away from it. It's he's just providing the opportunity for us to grasp to take hold up well, and

Cory Moore: 20:19

How cool for your kids to have this now. And then someday their kids and so on and so forth, right? I mean, this really creates a legacy. Right? And in fact, when we met not too long ago, that yesterday, the day before the person just a couple days, a couple days ago, you talked about legacy. And you talked about creating a legacy. Tell me what that means to you.

Matt Garff: 20:47

First of all, as me as an individual, who am I? Am I a consumer in this life? Or am I a builder? Am I a taker? Or am I a giver? So first of all, is what kind of person do I want to be? And that has an impact on, on how I interact with others. And again, by all means, I'm not perfect by any means. You know, I joke, and I'll repeat the fact that I need to work on my patience, right? But yet, at the same time, that we all have our burdens to bear. So the first thing is part of legacy is is Who Who am I? And what do I want to be? What do I want to represent? And what I want? What do I want to aspire to be? With this set is okay, now I have to align my life with it. You know, it can't be just a Sunday thing. It can't be just a church thing. No, it's, for me, for you to be true to who you are. In fact, that's one of the quotes in there, I want to say fro-m Shakespeare, to thine own self be true. First and foremost, you need to be true to yourself. And, as an example, some of my best friends are not members of the LDS church. And I've thought about why that is the case. Because these are people I greatly respect and like to be around, enjoy being around. And what I went through pondering, the conclusion I came up with was, was the truth that they have inside the light that they possess, they're being true to that light. And so the whatever level of truth and light that they have, they're honoring it. And those, those are the people that I just, as I grow older, I just Aspire, I just want to be around, I just want to soak up how they live their life. So, so first principle, as far as legacy is, is important for me to find who I want to be. And I can't teach my kids anything if I don't know who I am. So that's, that's maybe one. One thing that I think is really important about starting your legacy is understanding who you want to be.

Kirk Chugg: 23:09

Matt, we had a discussion the other day that I've thought a lot about, and I'd like to bring it up on the podcast. Talk to us about your journey of finding the difference between happiness and joy.

Matt Garff: 23:24

Happiness and joy. There's there is a difference between between the two. And in fact, actually, maybe you use two different words, pleasure and joy, because happiness is somewhere in between. When you go skiing with who doesn't love to ski, who doesn't love to water ski, who doesn't love to mountain bike, who doesn't love to go to the motor Motorsports Park, who doesn't love you know, those things of life are fun, they are great that they should be part of life. But yet at the same time, that emotion he feels kind of gone two days later. And so the difference between a pleasure that is important to intermingle in our life, enjoy joy is something that lasts longer than an adrenaline once the adrenaline is gone. Geez, I gotta go chase that journal. And again, but the joy is something that lasts longer. So for me personally, while I'm, I'm an owner in Ken Garff Automotive Group, I'm not spending my work days there anymore. And it's because I just got to the point where I wasn't enjoying the process anymore. And so where I'm spending my time now is on stuff that is more meaningful to me. Again, that was a kind of a hard transition for me. I even hired a personal coach to help me just process my thoughts and help me focus what I really want to do and become and not necessarily that I had the answer immediately. But it helped me refocus where I want him to spend my energy. And so now I'm personally chasing a lot more things that are meaningful to me. And that's to your point. That's really the difference between pleasure and joy is, is yes, I want to go skiing. I want to go waterskiing, I want to go mountain biking, I want to go horseback riding, I want I want to do those things. But I want to chase the meaning behind it. And so to me, going back to your earlier question, that's what legacy is, is what? How am I helping my kids find that within them? You know, how, how do they not only chase their passions, but chase passions that will, will impact lives.

Cory Moore: 25:44

Do you have certain ways that you're teaching your kids the difference between joy and pleasure? I think that's something that all of us have to figure out in life. Right? That we have to figure out what we're true happiness, or as you call it, joy comes from versus pleasure. Not that pleasure is a bad thing. Like you said.

Matt Garff: 26:03

It's part of life,

Cory Moore: 26:04

right? I'm a huge golfer. And that's so exciting. And I love it. And it doesn't necessarily bring joy, some facts, sometimes I'm really mad about it, because I'm so bad at it. It's right. Yeah, Corey, you

Kirk Chugg: 26:15

But you golf with your kids.

Cory Moore: 26:17

I do golf with my kids. And that's totally different.

Kirk Chugg: 26:19

Totally different experience, right?

Cory Moore: 26:20

That is totally different. But I am trying to, like you, right, the whole reason for the Gentlemen Project Podcast, because none of us feel like we're just amazing dads, we're all trying to continue to be better, right. And many of us have great examples, like you had your dad in your life and probably others. But learning to teach or figuring out how to teach your kids joy versus pleasure is a big deal. I talk to my kids and I say, there's nothing that's going to bring you true joy, true happiness without hard work, they go hand in hand, I tell them that all the time and try to explain that to to them. And eventually they'll internalize that I hope by by living, right, right. Is there something you do? Or how do you Is there anything that you've found to help your kids understand those differences at all?

Matt Garff: 27:09

You know, that's part of where again, I'm the struggling Dad, I got to figure this out with with everyone. I got a I'm just trying to glean whatever information I can. But to the point that you just said hard work is part of it. It's you know, I had a discussion with some some kids about the difference between pleasure and joy. And one of them was on a mountain bike team. And I was trying to help them understand on that same ride, the same race that you're in, you're feeling both pleasure and joy. It's, it's not like one or the other. It's it's both Now why is that the case? It's Yeah, so as you're right, you know, racing down the hill, you're feeling the adrenaline, you're, it's going through the roof. It's you're having fun, just just flying down the hill. That's the pleasure side of it. But at the same time, he works so hard to prepare for that. And the work in and of itself, is the reward. And so that reward of the work, is that is part of that joy. And so, some things can be both pleasure and joy. But yeah, those principles that you just referenced, how do I teach my kids to have the work ethic so that they can find the reward on the other side? Geez, I'm, I'm struggling, I'm trying, you know, that they don't see it quite the same way. They just want to fight you on practicing the piano. Okay, well, we gave up on pushing the piano. I mean, it just wasn't worth the fight. So that is the same thing. I guys, sorry, you gotta mow every single week. And if you're not mowed by Saturday, at eight, you got to come home, I don't care if you do it in the dark edge, you have all week to do it. So if you didn't do it Saturday by eight, you got to come home and do it. You know, and, and that's that's kind of the balance of love and bold and, and Geez, I think I'm at times I'm too on too much on the bold side and not enough on the love side. And, and my wife is probably on the other side, or she's too much on the low side and not too much on the accountability side. And, and so, so I Geez, I wish I could become softer. And I wish she could become harder. And so he can balance each other and support each other better. I don't know why it is I don't know the answer. I just you can just feel the truth and the principles that go behind it. And how do I emphasize that? I don't know. That's where the Gentlemen Project is so great. I just want to pick up everything that these other fathers are doing and how are their How are they doing it?

Kirk Chugg: 29:44

Well, and that's, you know, thank you for being honest about that. Because we feel the same way like a lot of times like we can ask these questions, right. We can sit here and ask the questions and expect you to come up with an answer, when we might be asking because we don't know the answer. So

Cory Moore: 30:00

That's exactly why I'm asking!

Kirk Chugg: 30:02

Creating this dialogue of "Okay, so what are you doing with your kids right now to connect with them?" What are you doing to help them stay grounded in a society that you can seemingly have anything done for you? How are you teaching them that hard work is behind joy? And those things I don't think-and Cory and I actually had this conversation in the studio before you arrived-that there isn't a right answer. For any of these questions that applies across the board, to every family.

Matt Garff: 30:41

Well, my own kids, my kids all hear differently. I can't talk to one kid the same way I'm talking to the next kid and Geez, by the time I figure that out, is it too late? I don't know.

Kirk Chugg: 30:55

Man, I've been meaning to ask you this during the podcast so that people can maybe identify with where you are in your, in your life cycle of dadhood. How many kids you have and what are their ages?

Matt Garff: 31:09

I have four kids, three boys and a girl. My oldest is 20-is up at the University of Utah. My second is a senior in high school. My third is a sophomore and my daughter is in fifth grade. So yeah, it's for many years, it was just me and my boys. And then along comes a daughter and, and she's my last one. Okay, she's gonna be spoiled. She's my last one. And then on top of that, when she was two months old, she she was diagnosed with a huge hole in her heart. So she had to have open heart surgery. And so it's just, it's interesting how those trials bond you deeper. Your relationships go deeper with with, with, with those and, and so my boys kind of look at Mount my relationship with my daughter and think, oh, she's the favorite. Well, well, yeah, I totally love her. I joke the fact that she's becoming extremely spoiled exactly what I'm making her and I do that. So any boy that she brings home knows that he can't compete. She's mine. Okay, so she's mine. And but with that said is my relationship with my boys are different because of that. But yet at the same time, part of what you're what you're asking, How do you stay grounded with him? I don't know exactly the answer. I do know that when my son went off to-he went to BYU Hawaii for a year. School out in Honolulu and I was trying to get advice from other people that had gone down that path before. And one of the things that the advice came back was, was there on the side of the island or not much is going on. And so they're going to get Island fever pretty quick. They're getting homesick pretty quick, the food isn't all that great. The dorms aren't all that great. They're going to get Island fever. So just plan on either going out to go see them every six weeks, or them coming home every six weeks. And so as my son left, you know, and of course I'm trying to say in a you know, very less direct way. Hey, do you want to come home? You know, at some point, should we plan on something? No-- I'm good. I'll be great. Well, what about the deer hunt? Oh, yeah, I'll come home for the deer hunt. So, of course, we fly him home for the deer hunt. But, but it's interesting how some of those type of things are what are emotionally grounded in them, that riding horses going on roundups is part of, it's part of our family going hunting, it's part of our family, it's part of is my boys are now teenagers, and they they're tired of hearing me preach. So it's like I gotta really back off on preaching. Those things are still bringing them back. So I don't know if they answer your question.

Cory Moore: 34:06

Well, that's a common theme I think we've heard in in from some other dads is focused like purposeful events, or purposefully getting together, right. Makes it so that your kids remember that. They remember more than the day to day when you take them hunting. When you do, you know, take them to the racetrack, whatever it is that you do to, to have fun with your kids. Right. Do you do you see that with your kids? Do you do try to do certain events like that?

Matt Garff: 34:40

Yeah, I do try to do some of those things. It's that's the balance between that phrase, play hard, work hard. When you can, when you can play hard. You can have you can have continued conversations about working hard because there is a reward there is that Let's go play. Let's go play hard. Whether that's like for instance was my son was a senior, I took him in some of his friends, snowcat skiing. For me, that was a I was a phenomenal day. And if I, if I invited my son to go snowcat skiing again, he'd be all over it, right? So it's some of those type of things that play hard. When you can play hard, it doesn't matter what it is, I mean, it could be fishing, it could be it doesn't have to be something that costs a lot of money. It's just, let's go play. And when you can balance play with accountability, then it's the it's the relationship of love and discipline. And if there's too much discipline there, you won't feel the love if there's too much love, not enough. You know, again, the balance between me and my wife, if there's not enough hardness, then there's too much softness, that there has to be that balance between it. And I don't know where that balance is. Because each kid again, each kid is different. Each family is different. And that balance is just something that you got to keep striving for. But to your question, I find those big events is what brings them back to the table. They want to come back to the table.

Cory Moore: 36:11

We have we actually have a lot in common. My dad's phrases are never ever, ever give up and work hard play hard. Those are a couple of his. And I remember very distinctly we were playing golf for my first time ever in Scottsdale, right? And it's palm trees. And I haven't been out of Utah that much. And he looks at me and like the second or third hole and he goes, this is why we work hard. And that really sunk in with me. It's like, Oh, yeah, this is why we work hard. So we can do stuff like this. So that's, that's very at home To me-what you're saying about work hard, play hard. I think that's a great motto in life. And you need both. There's no Ying, without the Yang on the work hard play hard thing. You talked about patience a couple of times, and selfishly, that's one of my like, worst things, especially with my kids, my poor kids, I have no patience, I have all the patience in the world with my wife for some reason, but not a lot of patience with my kids. And so I'm constantly working on that and thinking about how do I how do I better my ability to be patient? How do I better my ability not to get angry or blow my lid kind of a thing? Right? If you have any tricks or anything that you found that helps you with that, or that that helps you progress, because I'm I'm continually trying to grab it, whatever I can get.

Matt Garff: 37:36

Yeah, so the tricks of patience, I don't really have many tricks. But again, something very personal to me. Mental illnesses is a very serious thing. And there's lots of different symptoms of mental illness. You can see it in some people with a lot of anxiety, you see it, or some people are way OCD, and then you have it on the other side, ADD and so on. Well, my symptom comes out in the form of, of a short fuse. And as again, this is me being very, very open here. And, and but it's in the spirit of humility, I'm trying to figure out how to become better. So as you ask that question, I don't really have many tricks. But what I do know is I have to take care of myself, in order for me to be able to take care of my kids. When I'm not sleeping, or sleeping well. that fuse just is exposed. And when I'm not eating, eating well, that symptom is exposed. Every day, I'm taking vitamins now. And that helps. exercise helps. So I don't really have too many tricks that I can, you know, hang my hat on, other than I just gotta keep working at it. And it's funny because you got to be careful what you pray for, you know, because there's usually a trial that comes with it to help you teach it. So it's like, I'm really afraid to ask for more patience because I'm figured there's gonna be a trial to come with it. But, but that's exactly what I'm working on as a dad is, I got to figure out how to be more patient so I can be more understanding so I can listen and respond to what my kids are really wanting and needing. What I'm really sensing right now is my kids are teenagers and they're fighting for their own independence, even though their decision making isn't quite ready for their independence. They're emotionally fighting for it. They don't want to hear dad preach anymore. They're not even hearing it. And so, what they're really wanting is just me to be present and listen and understand. And again, I'm not I'm not perfect at that. That's where again, my patience, I got to figure out how to slow my, my idle down-my rev down so that I can just absorb them as opposed to project onto them.

Kirk Chugg: 40:13

Spoken like a true car man. Exactly, exactly. It's slow your rev down. So one way that I, I've tried this recently, and I can feel myself like when I get to that point, I'm like, Okay, this is inappropriate impatience like I can, I can feel myself like boiling over inside and I'm going to do is say something I'm going to regret later. You know, when I get to that point, one thing that I've tried that has worked recently, is give myself 10 seconds before I do or say anything, when I'm that mad, when I'm mad upset. If I can pause, and count, usually in those 10 seconds, something happens that diffuses the situation or I think the better of it. And I'm not saying that that's gonna work for everybody. But that's worked for me recently, and I haven't, I haven't blown my top nearly as much. When I do that, because I think about it beforehand on I'm gonna have to apologize later if I say that, right. So that's one thing that I've been doing recently that's helped with, with my my patience, because I'm just like you. Like you described coming home. And when when jobs aren't done that were supposed to be done, and you know, lawns not gotten mowed, or garbages haven't been taken out, I don't expect a ton of my kids, but they do have jobs. And when those simple jobs aren't done, I lose my patience pretty quick. And, you know, in the grand scheme of things, it's important to teach them the responsibility, but also in the grand scheme of things, they also need to know that their dad still loves them, even though they mess up sometimes. So..

Matt Garff: 42:02

Yeah, and another principle that, to your point, you gave some really good tips there. Another point for me is, is the concept of free agency? And how am I helping my kids successfully make mistakes? I mean, that's a balance, they got to, for them to really progress, they have to make their own mistakes, and how am I providing that environment for them to do that, you know, as between my wife and I were more of the helicopter type of parents. And that's part of why we have such high expectations is, is a, we're just for whatever reason in us inside of us, we want to see our kids succeed so much that we're kind of taking away their free agency. And because of that we we are the ones feeling the burden. We are the ones that are making them do their homework every every day, we are the ones that are making them do stuff. And, and a few here that common theme is we're the ones making them. And, and so one one concept that has helped me is if I can embrace the concept of free agency, I'm just a steward. I'm not their mandate, or I'm not their dictator, I'm just a steward to help them on to their own journey. They need to take their own journey. And therefore, for one thing that is resonated with me is as as I have tried to embrace that more and more is actually reduced my stress as a dad more and more. And as my stress level comes down, my ability to understand increases, my ability to hear increases, when my anxiety comes down, when my stress comes down, I can respond to them. But then with that said, is, is still it's it's now their responsibility. If they want to choose to do whatever it is they want to do. That's their choice. And if I can embrace that concept, my patience actually increases. It's better.

Cory Moore: 44:13

That's good stuff. I appreciate you saying that. I've thought a lot about that my wife is better at kind of the action and consequence. Right? She does not make my kids do their homework. And I'm always accountability, accountability, accountability. And what I've learned over time is that her way worked better for for my kids Anyway, I'm not saying that always would work, but my oldest just now does her homework because the consequence was no phone. It wasn't No, there wasn't an argument about it. It's just if you don't play the violin, or if you don't get your homework done. You're not gonna have a phone later, but we're not gonna have an argument about it. We're not going to be emotional. And that was not how I was going about it at all. Right? Right. So I think what you're saying there is is would be very Very helpful to a lot of parents of it doesn't have to be hard. You don't have to make them. You actually just need to teach them how the world actually is. You either do things or you don't. And then there's consequences. Right. And there's, like you mentioned, there's this idea of free agency. I think that's killer.

Matt Garff: 45:20

Yeah, we're just a steward. We are just a steward to them.

Kirk Chugg: 45:23

Yeah. And I like I like that word I've used I've used the word and heard the word coach before. And you've helped us today. So I'm going to call you my coach today, Matt, thank you for, for coming in. And being open and raw and honest, I know that the loss of your dad and somebody that was such a huge influence in your life, talking about that, and bringing that up and sharing that today on the podcast wasn't easy for you. So thank you, I commend you for your, your openness and your willingness to do that on the podcast. I think that will help a lot of guys.

Matt Garff: 46:03

Well, I appreciate the opportunity to be here. Because again, it's it, I see myself as more of a student of what everyone else brings to the table. So the best idea is the evolution of the idea. I like to see where the evolution takes takes things.

Cory Moore: 46:18

But you definitely have some of your dad in you and you I can see your authenticity coming through and just the kind of the I am who I am. And I'm not afraid of that. That's a cool. That's a really good character trait.

Matt Garff: 46:30

No, that's a huge compliment.

Kirk Chugg: 46:32

Yeah. All right. Well, thanks, everybody. We will close out this week of the Gentlemen Project Podcast, and we will talk to you next week.

Cory Moore: 46:44

Fantastic perspectives from Matt Garff. Today, really talking about your family legacy and how to how to give that to your kids.

Kirk Chugg: 46:54

Hope you guys subscribe to the podcast and get it downloaded automatically. You're gonna love next week's guest. So stay tuned and we'll talk to you next week.